Jack Sparrow DUI
by Gothic Guardian
Summary: Um... Just something humorous I cooked up awhile ago... I had it uploaded for a few months... but I kept forgetting to post it!So, without further adeu... Here it is... Read and review!


"Jack Sparrow..."

"_Captain. Captain _Jack Sparrow." The oddly dressed man corrected.

"Alright. _Captain_ Jack Sparrow. Do you know how fast you were going?" He just stared at me. "Let's just say, you were going quite a bit above the speed limit." Again, he looked befuddled. "I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the vehicle." He just sat there."

"'M sorry, mate. 'M afraid I can' do tha'." His breath reeked of alcohol. "You see, I 'ave to get somewhere. 'R me first mate'll kill me. She'd pro'ly do i', too." I could barely understand what he was saying.

"Well, your first mate will have to wait a bit longer. I'd like you to come with me." I started back to my patrol car. The click of a gun being cocked made me freeze.

"Like I said, I can' be late." I turned slowly, raising my hands in a non-threatening manner. "I don't want to shoot you. But I will if you don't let me be, savvy?" He gave a gold toothed grin. "Now... I'll be off... After you give me all of your money... And that pretty gold ring you've got on... And why don't you add your hat. It's a very nice hat..." He was acting like a complete nutcase. "Oh, an' jus' to give me a head start, why don' you hand over your car keys, too?" I gawked at him as if he had just grown two new heads. "I'm goin' to throw 'em into the grass over there. By the time you've found them, I'll be long gone. Now jus' hand 'em over." He held his hand out.

Reluctantly, I handed over my wallet and car keys. He just sat there, hand still extended. "Well?" I gave him my hat. "Your ring..."

I put my hands in my pants pockets. "I can't give it to you. It's my wedding ring." I hoped there was enough sympathy (and sanity) left in him to let me at least keep my ring.

After a moment's deliberation, he conceded. "Alrigh'. You c'n keep tha'." He retracted his arm, putting the hat and wallet on the passenger's seat. Then he threw my keys to the other side of the road, into the overgrown grass and weeds. "Now, I must _really_ be off. Can't keep a lady waiting. Even if she _is _a bloody hellion." That last part was mumbled, more as though he was speaking to himself than me.

And with that, he pulled off the shoulder and sped away.

-+-+-+-+-+\\\\\+-+-+-+-+-

"You really expect me to believe that _that_'s the real reason you're late?" I cringe at the seething anger in her voice. "What kind of story is _that_?"

I stumble over my words for a moment before finally being able to put together a comprehensible sentence. "But, it's the truth!" She just stands there, tapping her foot irately. "I swear! That's _exactly_ how it happened." I can tell I'm sounding too defensive. "You know I wouldn't let anything make me miss meeting you. But I couldn't help it..." I give her my most innocent puppy dog expression. "You believe me, right?"

She ponders awhile, countenance softening. "Of course..." Her voice is sickeningly sweet. "I don't. It's absolutely ridiculous. Now, I'll ask you one last time. What is the _real _reason you didn't meet me?"

I just stand there for a moment, silent. Finally, I decide, that if she won't believe the truth, I might as well come up with a lie. The lie would probably be more plausible...

"I met up with an old friend... We got to talking and before I knew it, I was running late..." I put on my most sincere expression. I'm really sorry. Let me make it up to you..."

"Fat chance of that happening now. But I guess for the sake of our relationship, I'll have to let it go. But if you do it again, I'll have your heads. Both of them." She makes a threatening motion towards my genital region. I move into a more defensive position, but she doesn't actually do anything. "You keep me waiting again, (with not even a phone call to tell me you're going to be late!) and your manhood is a distant memory. We clear?"

I have to swallow the lump in my throat before I'm able to answer. "As glass." _Man, am I whipped_. Oh, well. It's not like I can do anything now... I've been trained too well.

"That's good." She glares at me, before suddenly grabbing me in a strangling embrace. "I was worried, you know. Next time call, so I know you're alright. You could've been lying in a ditch somewhere. Hell! You could have been lying in someone else's bed for all I know!" She squeezes even tighter. "Do I have to put a leash on you?" Spots are appearing in my vision. If she doesn't loosen her choke hold soon, I'm going to keel over... I simply shake my head in response to her question. I can't breathe, let alone speak my answer. My vision fades to nothing. I only hope that my passing out tells her to give me some slack.

I always knew that woman would be the death of me... The last thing I hear before succumbing to the pleasant darkness of unconsciousness, is her calling my name: "Jack?"


End file.
